True Capacity

by ASTPAI

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1.
Rotten Bait 04:47
GOT TIED DOWN IN THE SPOTLIGHT, TRIED TO ESCAPE INTO THE GREY, BUT THEY TRAPPED US BOTH IN BLACK AND WHITE AND “DON’T DO AS I DO - DO AS I SAY!” LET’S PUT OUR HEADS TOGETHER UNTIL WE MISSHAPE INTO ONE, DRESS UP IN TAR AND FEATHERS SPREAD OUR MAKESHIFT WINGS AND FLY TOWARDS THE SUN. BECAUSE THE LIGHT THAT THEY PROVIDE WON’T FILL THE VOID WE FEEL INSIDE. AND TO THE LOVERS WAGING WARS: RIP THROUGH MY CHEST, I’LL RIP THROUGH YOURS FOR JUST ONE MOMENT OF CONTENT THEN PLACE OUR HEARTS ON OPPOSITE SHORES. AND THROW WHAT’S LEFT INTO THE SEA AS ROTTEN BAIT FOR MUTUAL ENEMIES.
2.
Lottery 03:06
I'M A LOTTERY OF ONE WAY TICKETS AND OPEN ENDS. WHENEVER I’D BE LOOKING, I'D FIND MY HEART IN DRAMA, TRADING BITS OF MY MIND FOR IT. I WAS A PROMISING ACTOR, A PRIMETIME EXTRA FOREVER OUT OF PLACE. I NEVER MEANT TO BRING BACK DEMONS FROM MY PAST, BUT I REMEMBER THE FEELING, THAT MY CRUMBLING MIND WAS NEVER MEANT TO LAST. I CAN FEEL IT FALLING APART. HELD TOGETHER ONLY BY ROMANCE AND THE FEW SOULS THAT AREN'T TIRED YET OF TYING UP ALL MY OPEN ENDS. I'M SUGAR TO THE RAIN OF MIXED EMOTIONS, DISSOLVING FROM THE CURB INTO THE SEWERS OF SELF DOUBT, GUILT AND PRIVILEGE, AND WHEN IT RAINS IT ALWAYS POURS. I'M A LOTTERY OF ONE WAY TICKETS AND OPEN ENDS. PRETENDING TO BE FREE, LIVING A LIE, LIVING THE DREAM
3.
Best Years 03:15
MY NAME RHYMES WITH THE MESS I'M LEFT TO DROWN IN, AND EVERY NOW AND THEN YOU WHISPER DOWN THE WELL THAT I SHOULD HAVE CLIMBED RIGHT OUT OF FOR SO LONG NOW. I GOT STUCK ON REPEAT WITH NO STORIES LEFT TO TELL. YOU TALK ABOUT THE BEST YEARS OF YOUR LIFE BECAUSE YOU'RE SCARED I'D TAKE TOO MANY, BECAUSE YOU'RE SCARED I'D TURN MY BACK, IT SEEMS YOU'RE STRUGGLING TO SAY WHAT WEIGHS SO OBVIOUSLY HEAVY, IT SOMETIMES CAN BE EASIER TO KEEP TRUE FEELINGS IN CHECK. AND THAT'S THE BEST YOU CAN DO. SO YOU PUSH ME DOWN TO SAVE YOU FROM THE BURN, SLOWLY RID YOURSELF OF EVERY DOUBT OF MY RETURN TO THE BLINDING DAYLIGHT AND TO YOU MY DEAR, BUT I CANNOT GET USED TO THE LONELINESS DOWN HERE. AND THE BEST YOU CAN DO, IS LEAVE THE FEELING THAT SOME THINGS WON'T EVER MEAN ANYTHING AT ALL AGAIN WITHOUT YOU. YEAH THAT'S THE BEST YOU CAN DO.
4.
HAVE YOU EVER FOUND A CITY THAT FELT RIGHT IN ALL THE CORNERS OF YOUR WORLD IN ALL YOUR DAYS. OR WAS EVERY DIFFERENT DOORSTEP JUST ANOTHER FIGHT? YOU TRIED TO LOOK AT THE SAME PLACES IN SO MANY DIFFERENT WAYS. BECAUSE YOU WON'T BE THERE TO WITNESS, BECAUSE YOU WON'T BE THERE TO SEE. (BUT) EVEN IF THE SOUND WON'T REACH YOU, THERE WILL BE FALLING TREES. ANOTHER YEAR, ANOTHER TOWN, YOUR MIND KEEPS YOU ON THE MOVE, AND THE LAST PLACE FROZE IN YOUR ABSENCE, AND NOW NOTHING WILL CONTINUE. LEAVING PUTS SO MUCH INTO PERSPECTIVE OVER PERIODS OF TIME, PEOPLE WILL CONTINUE, CONTINUE WITHOUT YOU. BECAUSE YOU WON'T BE THERE TO WITNESS, BECAUSE YOU WON'T BE THERE TO SEE. BUT EVEN IF THE SOUND WON'T REACH YOU, BE SURE THAT THERE WILL BE FALLING TREES. YOU JUST WON'T BE THERE TO WITNESS, YEAH YOU WON'T BE THERE TO SEE. BUT EVEN IF THE SOUND WON'T REACH YOU, BE SURE THAT THERE WILL BE FALLING TREES. YOU USED TO SEE THE PEOPLE THAT YOU LOVE IN ALL THE PLACES THAT YOU HATE. AND CHANGE NEVER QUITE HAD ITS CHANCE, IT NEVER ROLLED OFF YOUR TONGUE INTO YOUR HANDS. PERSISTENCE AND PRECISION - TWO WORDS THAT FINALLY TRANSLATE. AND THEN IT ALL SEEMS TO MAKE SENSE: YOUR ACTIONS SHAPE THE PLACES THAT YOU EITHER LOVE OR HATE.
5.
No Hero 04:23
THERE'S NO PRIDE IN KNOWING WHAT WENT WRONG. I WASN'T QUITE THE HERO, AND YOU WERE NEVER IN NEED FOR ONE. I WILL CARRY THIS A MILLION MILES AND MAYBE ALL THE WAY UNTIL MY BACK GETS USED TO THE OVERWEIGHT SOME DAY. ALWAYS STUMBLING FORWARD, NEVER STEPPING BACK, I SENT MY BODY ON A MISSION AND MY MIND FAR OFF THE TRACK. I THOUGHT I TOOK CARE OF ALL MY NEEDS, WITH YOUR BLESSING IN MY BAG, BUT THE VOID GOT OVERWHELMING AND MY URGE BECAME A DRAG. I DON'T WANNA BE ALONE IN THIS AND I DON'T WANNA BE BOUND TO ANYTHING. LOVE IS A STRONG WORD WHEN YOU DON'T MEAN IT. TRUST DOESN'T MEAN A THING WHEN YOU DON'T CARE. ATTRACTION FEELS PATHETIC WHEN NOONE EVER SEES IT. REJECTION IS THE FINAL NAIL TO YOUR COFFIN OF DESPAIR. I DON'T WANNA BE ALONE IN THIS AND I DON'T WANNA BE BOUND TO ANYTHING. I DON'T WANNA BE ALONE IN THIS AND I DON'T WANNA BE BOUND TO ANYONE.
6.
YOU CALL NOT TO LISTEN, BUT TALK AND THE CRACKS IN YOUR VOICE TELL ME YOU WALKED THE WALK FROM A TO E, TO I, TO O JUST ONE STEP FROM NOWHERE TO GO I TRY TO REMEMBER THE WORDS TO EACH POSITIVE SONG THAT I EVER HEARD. I THINK AND BEGIN WITH SAMSON AND FINN, BUT END UP WITH OBERST AND QUINN. NO WORDS SEEM TO BREAK YOUR ACHING DESPAIR, AND THE DISTANCE BETWEEN US IS EVERYTHING BUT FAIR. I CALL CAUSE YOU KNOW ABOUT PAIN AND MY RATTLING VOICE TELLS YOU I HOPPED THE TRAIN FROM X TO Y FROM WHY TO WHEN WILL I GET TO SEE YOU AGAIN? WE TRY HARD TO SMALL TALK AWAY HOURS AFTER HOURS, DAY AFTER DAY TRY IMAGINING CAPITALS INSTEAD OF SMALL TOWNS, PUTTING UPS WHERE THE PAST LEFT US DOWNS YOUR WORDS FAIL TO BREAK MY ACHING DESPAIR AND THE DISTANCE BETWEEN US IS EVERYTHING BUT FAIR BUT I'M OVERWHELMED, AS YOUR TEARS FALL LIKE RAIN: WE'RE A SUNSET APART AND I FEEL YOUR PAIN.
7.
MY SENSITIVITY SCREAMS THE LOUDEST WHEN I NEED IT TO BE GONE, YET IT HAS NO ANSWERS WHEN I'M DESPERATE FOR ONE. MY MIND HAS REACHED CAPACITY. THEORY ALWAYS OFFERED ME ESCAPES; LIKE BACK DOORS TO A BACKYARD. BUT I'M FOREVER ONE STEP FORWARD AND THEN LEAP BACK TO THE START. MY MIND HAS BEEN AT CAPACITY FOR THE LONGEST TIME, AND TRUE CAPACITY CAN'T FIT A HEALTHY MIND. THIS FEAR OF LOSING. THIS FEAR OF LOSING IT. THIS FEAR OF LOSING IT FOR GOOD. TRUE CAPACITY NOT WHAT SHOULD OR COULD BE ME TRUE CAPACITY
8.
Saving Up 04:52
I’VE GOT TWO TICKETS ON THE SOUTHBOUND TRAIN FOR ME AND MY DESPAIR, EARLY MORNING, DAY AHEAD, FULL OF FAILURE AND REGRET. THE SOUND OF TRACKS BENEATH ME CUTS EVERY HEADPHONE HARMONY LIKE FOREIGN GHOSTLIKE WHISPER TELLING ME THAT MAYBE I SHOULD HAVE STAYED WHERE I BELONG, INSTEAD OF FOLLOWING BOTH GOOD AND BAD ADVICE. BUT I MOVE ON - A SUCKER FOR FALSE HOPE, SAVING UP TO PAY THE PRICE. IT’S FUNNY HOW YOU WRAP YOURSELF IN COMFORTING ROUTINE, BEFORE ENTERING A WORLD THAT'S SO OBSCENE. AND THE BAG STRAPPED TO MY BODY WEIGHS HEAVIER EVERY YEAR WITH ALL THE MEDICINE AND PAST LIFE SOUVENIRS. BUT IT'S ALL I'VE GOT HERE BY MYSELF, EXCEPT FOR MAYBE ALL THE UNREAD BOOKS UP ON MY FICTIONAL SHELF. AND AS THE TRAIN STOPS FAR FROM EVERY STATION, I LONG FOR ALL THE COLD OUTSIDE MY WINDOW TO COVER ME AND MY FRUSTRATION IN SOLID WHITE AS DAWN BREAKS THROUGH THE ENDING NIGHT. I WANTED MORE THAN I COULD GIVE, I WAS GIVING UP WHEN I COULD HAVE LIVED, I WAS LIVING LIES INSTEAD OF DREAMS I WAS DREAMING LONGER THAN I WOULD SLEEP. YEAH MAYBE, ONLY MAYBE I SHOULD HAVE STAYED WHERE I BELONG INSTEAD OF FOLLOWING BOTH GOOD AND BAD ADVICE BUT I MOVE ON - A VICTIM OF MYSELF SAVING UP TO PAY THE PRICE... ...FOR WANTING MORE THAN I COULD GIVE, FOR GIVING UP WHEN I COULD HAVE LIVED, FOR LIVING LIES INSTEAD OF DREAMS, FOR DREAMING LONGER THAN I WOULD SLEEP.
9.
IT'S THE SPEED OF EVERYTHING, THAT TURNS AGE INTO A FEELING. AND IF YOU'RE STUCK ON 'OLD AND SLOW' LIKE ME, MANY THINGS WILL LOSE THEIR MEANINGS. WILL IT BE YOU THAT'S GOING TO CUT THE TIES, THAT YOU WRAPPED YOURSELF UP IN NICELY, LIKE A PRESENT, A BITTERSWEET SURPRISE TO YOURSELF. AND I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO SAY WHEN THERE'S NO TIME TO ADJUST. YES, I'M ALWAYS AT MY STRANGEST, BECAUSE THERE'S HARDLY TIME BETWEEN US. HAVE YOU EVER FELT THIS ENERGY GOING NOWHERE, DEALING SPARKS LIKE A BAD HAND, LIKE A STRAY DOG THAT HEARS YOUR CALL, YET WON'T FOLLOW YOUR COMMAND. LIKE A STRAY DOG WHO LOST AN EYE TO SELF-CONTENT. NOW IT'S ALL STITCHED UP, RESISTING ITS OWN DUMB DEMANDS. LIKE A STRAY DOG. TEMPTED TO TRUST IN HELPING HANDS, BUT I MUST SAY, YOUR CALL SOUNDS A WHOLE LOT LIKE COMMANDS. IT ALWAYS LEAVES ME SUSPICIOUS. OF MY ABILITIES TO CONNECT AND OF YOU, WHO ALWAYS COMES ACROSS SO PERFECT. GREAT MINDS THINK ALIKE, BUT MY MIND IS A TRAP WITH BOTH HANDS ON THE WHEEL, DRIVING ME CRAZY DRIVING ME OFF THE MAP. LIKE A STRAY DOG THAT LOST AN EYE TO SELF-CONTENT. NOW IT'S ALL STITCHED UP, RESISTING ITS OWN DUMB DEMANDS. LIKE A STRAY DOG. TEMPTED TO TRUST IN HELPING HANDS, BUT I MUST SAY, YOUR CALL SOUNDS A WHOLE LOT LIKE COMMANDS.
10.
Body Parts 04:20
MY SKIN. THE DOTTED OUTLINE TO MY MISERY. LIKE A WALL, TRYING TO KEEP TWO WORLDS AT PEACE. ITS BRICKS ARE LIKE FIRE TO A BRIDGE. LIKE HALF TRUTHS TO A DISPUTE. THEY CONCEAL WHAT'S OH-SO VULNERABLE AND TRUE. I'M A MIRROR IMAGE OF MODERN TIMES. I'M A FAILED STATE OF STARVING MIMES. MY BONES. BENT UNDER THE WEIGHT OF ALL THE THINGS I EVER HAD TO BE. SO I WAIT FOR THEM TO BREAK AND SET ME FREE. PACKED TO THE RIM WITH LONG EXPIRED ORDER, STRUGGLING TO PATCH ALL OF MY SLOWLY CRACKING BORDERS. I'M A MIRROR IMAGE OF MODERN TIMES. I'M A FAILED STATE OF STARVING MIMES. I'M A MIRROR IMAGE OF MODERN TIMES. I'M A FAILED STATE. WHILE THE VULTURES CIRCLE UNDEFEATED MONUMENTS OF IRONY TO BE COMPLETED, BEFORE THEY TEAR MY HEART RIGHT OUT AND FREE ME FROM TRUE FEELINGS, STUFF MY RIB CAGE WITH DENIAL, THAT FILLS A LIFETIME WITH NO MEANING.

credits

released July 17, 2018

ASTPAI:
BERNIE – BASS/VOCALS MARCO – GUITAR/VOCALS TONI – DRUMS /VOCALS ZOCK – VOCALS/GUITAR

ADDITIONAL MUSICIANS:
JESSICA HOWELLS – VOCALS AND GLOCKENSPIEL ON “FEEL YOUR PAIN” KATHI P, ULLA MAYRHOFER, BERNHARD WIMMER – CREW VOCALS

PRE-PRODUCING: TOM ZWANZGER & ASTPAI
PRODUCING: TOM ZWANZGER
VOCAL CO-PRODUCING: CHRIS CRESSWELL
ENGINEERING/RECORDING: TOM ZWANZGER, S.T.R.E.S.S. STUDIO GRAZ, AUSTRIA
MIXING: J ROBBINS, MAGPIE CAGE BALTIMORE, USA
MASTERING: DAN COUTANT, SUN ROOM AUDIO CORNWALL NY, USA ARTWORK: DAANTJE BONS, DAANTJE BONS PHOTOGRAPHY LAYOUT: JEREMY MYERS, JUMP START RECORDS
BAND PHOTOGRAPHY: EMILY ASSIRAN

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