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Efforts And Means

by ASTPAI

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1.
2.
we keep the challenged on the outside to avoid challenging ourselves we give meaning to moral standards that only work towards themselves we put the law and it's pig-servants into the center of our lifes in order to point out potential backs for all our knives this town, or any town it seems turns into the frozen playground that i already dropped out of in my teens. you never drop out for good, you never drop out of fears! you only drop out for hours, days or maybe years. but the bullies of our past are the insecurity of today. even though they never lived by now or then in fact, they don't live by time at all they live on it! they feast on it! and your patience is their desert and your understanding is their vomit, just too much to keep it down. down the drain, into the soil of your beliefs, loosening the anchors of your mental health, poisoning you until you don't feel anything anymore. what's left of you is waiting to get digested for whatever time that you've got left. and now tell me you won't get angry! tell me you won't get mad upon losing every feeling and every clear thought you've ever had when you're screaming at your loved ones, although they speak your heart and head, tell me you won't get angry! tell me you won't get mad!
3.
Intentions 03:51
everything has changed my friend. can things ever be the same again? maybe not. maybe on our deathbed but fuck that! your actions never just affect your life, no, you never go down alone. and if they change things for you for the better it might not even last forever! in this cage you have to push people down to step on their backs and reach out for the crown. in order to succeed, you have to push people down to step on their backs and reach out for the crown. but backs will break and you'll go down, life's meant to be based on the ground all together in the dirt where only patience counts. and i had to learn and i'm learning still: you'll always end up paying a bad decision's bill while the need for heavy hearts, the need to play steady parts, and the need for brand new starts is the greed of a starving past, the beat of routine at last and the disaffection about thinking caste. why do things that feel so right never last without a fight? a fight between you and your mind that has already been haunted to many nights.
4.
and again they get together different faces everytime carrying the same banner and being equally narrow in their minds while i'm stuck between the money - the money and disgust the one thing barely paying bills the other turning integrity into dust. like i'm pretty sure i understand the need to say goodbye, to stand and watch the shell that captured what you loved go by and put it underground for starving insects to be found but why the scenery, why the crypts, why the actors, why the scripts, why tradition over true emotion? praise the paychecks, praise the cash, saving us from a fundamental clash. i'd be happy to wake up jobless to people sharing what they feel instead of hiring unrelated strangers with profession in their hearts of steel.
5.
i think we made it. i can see as far as there is life down there. from up here it's getting harder to believe, that our past has been wasted time at last. so let's share this deep breath and enjoy the view and the sudden silence on this path for the first time in years we're holding on to shaken hands. friends forever, forever friends. and please take a picture, for everyone to see, and i'll put my words down on it instantly it'll show the way we put behind us and it'll say: "respect and appreciation was the cure for our sensations and everything we used to hold on to without holding on to honesty"
6.
amongst stalactites of heart, where simply growing's the finest art, i find it hard to watch relations fall apart and what's the point in burning out when there's noone around to blame when the trampled path 'self pity' is what's driving you insane. as i get older some get old and conversations turn so cold, i find it so hard to react, understand and reconnect. when life decisions became lifelong excuses and the past remains nothing else to you but bruises when higher powers gain deeper meaning you better go and dig them up, before they occupy your heart - the reason why things are how they are! when there's noone left to point at, will i point fingers at myself? - stuck in my mind, stuck in reactions, stuck in boredom and it's attractions and if this whole life was a closet full of good times out of trend then every single doubt about myself will be waiting on the bottom shelf. when life decisions gave you lifelong excuses. excuse me.
7.
if i'd tell you what could last from our complicated past would you feel content or put to test? and when you see that i've become equally insecure and numb would you be realistic or would you feel dumb? and when they say we're not the same and that education is to blame would you feel helpless or full of shame? and if you'd get to see the day on which we'll all have hell to pay did you see it coming or did you look away? and along with the few things that you're proud of after all these tiring years come the things that leave you shivering and make you break out in tears but if this life will raise its questions about the unread books up on your shelf what will be your answers? will you be honest or sentimental with yourself? if i'd tell you i can see you did your very best for me would you burst out laughing or would you agree? and in case you'd think you've been fully bent wouldn't that be overconfident? or do you lack the energy you've spent? and as you recently took a closer look at me did you look relieved or wishfully? and could you say ultimately that you seized every moment we have spent together or separately? and it's not like i've got many choices, well, not as many as it seems, but options equal efforts and they're just as good as dreams. but if this life will raise its questions about the unread books up on my shelf what will be my answers? will i be honest or sentimental with myself? and in the end this circle closes because of what you did or did not do: because as efforts grow on means, i could have done none of this without you. but if this life will raise its questions about the unread books up on our shelfs what will be our answers? will we be honest or sentimental with ourselves?
8.
for there's no cage big enough to control or accomodate the human soul in all it's crashes, all it's flights in all it's dephts and all it's heights. but then why do i let these bars lock me out from my insides and my instinctive points of view? i thought i defeated conditioning, but it won by knockout in round two. for there's no cage small enough to break what's barely keeping you awake, what slows the beating in your chest and prepares you for eternal rest. so why do you let these walls lock you in from the outside and it's complicated life? while simplicity and comfort will never encourage you to strive... ...for something more fulfilling, for something less mundaine, for reasons that get you moving towards exits, out of breath redefining sane and insane. because the values we hold on to and defend will not become our issues until we try to make them end and all this blindly trusting habits without questioning ourselves resembles mindless cut and paste and lets potential go to waste.
9.
Act/ Claim 01:04
dead inside but in charge, what a mix. mid european politics ruining people you'll never know - head in sand, on with the show. but your time will come, your days shall pass your ugly heads will roll at last so enjoy your hatred while you can i'll meet you at your bitter end let's take their power and put it down all the way into the ground for better times to feast on and to walk the surface everlong. your ugly heads will roll at last
10.
come with me for a walk, summer kicked out the cold, let's find ways out of distraction, ways out of control. it's been way too long since we changed our topics and talked about how we give up on the things most important. my friend i can't even name the place that you're born in, the place that put you on your feet and forced you to walk. and if i had my will i'd cover streets with your stories in chalk. most times it's myself that i don't understand while i'm falling for outfits doing the best job they can the best job a soulless thing possibly can. and it feels so wrong feeling this alright and the end of the day leaves another sleepless night if i had my will i'd pick someone to fight and break down all the walls in my sight if i had my will i'd have someone in mind to teach me to value some things a bit more in my life. come with me for a walk, let's dare to understand the ways out of distraction doing the best job it can it's been way too long and it feels so wrong our wills be done today as friends. i detest all the bullshit, the masks and the lies, twisting my insides, penetrating my mind, but if i had my will i'd ask someone to be so kind to fight and break down all the walls in my sight, to teach me to value things more in my life to take me away from this brainfuck in disguise. because i fall in love about ten times a day, ten times with strangers meaning everything to me. did this place desensitise me so much already that i don't even know what love is?!
11.
frequencies are clashing in my head, some things are better off unsaid. sounds with clear intensions in unclear keys failing to merge, while fighting on their knees. panning's useless, fading out won't work that fine. this room's too intense, too romantic, too small to leave space for space sometimes. a nightbus, crossing nightlife north to south - tonight it barely carries your big mouth a city the size of a birdcage losing touch. a bird called freedom of speech, freed by alcohol and such. while these frequencies are still clashing in my head. most things are still better off unsaid. fading out still just wouldn't work out fine. this room's too intense, too fucked up, too small for our crazy narrow minds. how i wish it was me right now to crack a joke and relax, but i just can't deny the need, to break both your arms and legs. tonight i'll spread anger and fear, hatred and doom. hell will break loose even though you agreed to let me crash on the couch in your room.

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released May 18, 2012

produced & mixed by tom zwanzger and ASTPAI at s.t.r.e.s.s. studio, graz, austria
mastered by steve rizun at drive studios, woodbridge, canada
artwork by bruno guerreiro aka brunofsky
layout by tobi at asscard records

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ASTPAI Wiener Neustadt, Austria

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